2/3/11

2/3/11 6:45am

I am on the first leg of my flight out to see Dad. I only slept 2 hours last night and cant seem to calm the anxiety enough to sleep on the plane. I am so extremely nervous to see him and have to deal with this. I can't seem to really except what is going on. My dad is only 61. It can't possibly be time for him to move on into the next life. I don't know how to deal with all the emotions I am feeling. I have been taking "Gaba" for my anxiety. It seems to help a little. I think I need to find a way to calm myself down. I don't know how to prepare myself for my dad dying. I am nervous to see him so sick in the hospital. I already feel guilty for not wanting to spend so much time there. I feel like it is going to be too difficult and would rather spend the majority of my time with Tracy. I miss her and feel like I just need her support right now. She is very good at listening. I miss her everyday friendship very much. I know she has my best interests at heart. I can trust her with my deepest feelings. I think she is who I need right now. I am so thankful that she lives so close to UCSF and that I will be able to stay with her and spend some time with her. I already feel the anxiety lessen just by typing my feelings. Maybe this will be the key to keeping me sane and keep my anxiety under control during this hard time. I know that my Heavenly Father is with me. I need to pray more and have the faith that is necessary to receive the blessings I deserve. I know His hand has been in this entire process. I have seen the many blessings since Dad was diagnosed. I have been working 40+ hrs a week at Real Foods in St. George. We just fired an employee and I have been covering alot there. It is such a blessing that I have my work to escape to and keep my mind occupied. I am so thankful for Vicki's friend Heidi. She let me use one of her buddy passes to fly out to see dad today. It only cost me $103 roundtrip, right out of the St. G airport and into SFO. Tracy is letting me borrow her extra car and stay with her. Miracles are happening everywhere. Even if dad doesn't beat this awful disease, I know that God has watched over this entire experience and done what is necessary. I will miss Dad so much. I am not ready to loose him. Even though our relationship has not been great, I still love him dearly and don't want to have to say goodbye. However, I also know that he will be free of the things of this mortal life that are making it difficult for him to become the person we can see in his spirit. He is a very giving, kind and generous man. One day I will be able to hug him again and see my dad without all the the garbage. We can mend out relationship. I will accept for now what can not be done until then.

3:35pm
I came to the hospital to see dad around 1230pm. we talked about the possible outcomes and cried a little bit. Dad cried alot. he then told me the story of his diagnosis from beginning until end. He was given a blessing that he recalls saying that he will be cured and restored to full health. he is going off of that to keep him going. I don't have those sort of hopes. I guess I can't. It's safer that way for me. He is on a vegan diet. Aunt Karen told him about "the china study". How cancer goes away in lab rats once they are fed 5%or less of animal products. He is trying this. But because of it, he hardly eats anything from the cafeteria. Which is obviously not good if he wants to get his health back. He needs nutrition. And lots of calories. I just got back from the bookshop from across the street. They amazingly had alot of vegan snacks. I bought him $40 worth of food. If he doesn't like it, I can always eat it. But I thought I would get him things with nuts and other proteins. Expensive, but it will be worth it if he likes it. It will get him feeling better by just getting some good calories in him. He doesn't know alot about being vegan or how to cook vegan. I told him when I got back home I would send him a box of yummy food that he could eat. And no matter how is counts are doing, they should let him eat the food I send because it has been packaged. He will be amazed at how yummy nutritious food is! Becky went home to get showered, pay bills and head back here tonight. I will be happy go back to tracy's for a break. It's hard being here. Not sure how dad does it. update: 1hr later. i have been here for only about 3 hrs. Becky is almost home. she will get everything done and head back. I am SO tired from only getting 3 broken hours of sleep last night. I really can't wait to head back to Tracy's and sleep! This is so stressful.
Dad really wants me to stay the night. After talking to Jen I decided to stay. She was right. One day I might regret that I didn't give him that time with me. He woke up for a nap and we talked about him eating some of his dinner. He actually liked his garden salad that had kalamata olives and garbanzo beans. He only had a few bites. Better than nothing. He layed back down and asked if I was going to stay. When I told him yes he started to cry. He said thank you. He wanted to just hold me hand and kept squeezing it. Poor dad. So emotional and sad. I told him he should have pictures on his walls. He said it would make him sad. :( I can understand.